Exhausted and waiting for absolution

So exhausted. I'm on a down slope right now. I have been immersed in my project but so many things are dragging me down. I took this semester off for a mental break but its all working against me now. The school might now take me in the Fall and now (because I'm not in school this semester and the loan people said it was ok) my loans are being recalled and I have no money to pay for it the payments.

My boyfriend and I had a big fight a year ago a broke-up for 9 months. Now we are back together but I am different. I was more clingy with less friends and activities but after the break-up I had to get out and live my life. He's constantly getting upset because I don't pay enough attention to him. I don't know. In the end, he's the most important person to me but I can't live my live around only him.

I find myself talking to guy "friends" still in a flirty fashion. I am flirty by nature but when I'm single its more. I guess those nine months took me out of my shell so much. I became friends with this guy that I had a crush on all of high school before I met my boyfriend. He's so my type physically but a little too intellectual for my taste. He is one of those, "why are those people acting so DAFT?" kinda people. Yet when he acts weird, its cool. I still talk to him and a few other guys but I don't know what to make of it. I know its ok to remain friends with my guy friends (I had guy friends always) but it seems more flirty since I got back together with my boyfriend.

I haven't seen my dad since Mother's day (was longer before that) and that was horrible. He prodded me about some stuff that really hit home while we ate dinner. I had to leave early because I was on the verge of crying.

I'm just feeling drained. Being pulled in different directions by everybody.

When I watch movies or see the people around me with a spark, a passion of life....I wish I had that. My only consistency is my being inconsistent. I take up one thing and work on it obsessively until I get dragged down by one thing or another. I have creative tendencies but I am neither trained nor have the self-discipline to teach myself. My mother and sister are very artistic although they both have more scientific careers because it is their passion. I feel lost and I don't know how to get found of find myself.

I need help somewhere.

Just tired all around

Oh God! I have immersed myself so deep into this project that I didn't manage time to write in 2 days!...3 days now.

I have been trying to write every night but I have either been working, with my mom or sleeping. Sometimes I just don't feel like thinking about my feelings so I just avoid it. I've had to take care of some things for the next school year.

I've let me obsessiveness take me over with perfecting little details on my project, trying to make it beat its competitors and I am well on my way.

There are ups and downs but I've found myself bouncing back  faster. My doctor thinks I may have a thyroid problem which is causing my constant fatigue and depression so next week I will begin taking supplements that are supposed to correct my "chemical imbalances".

I had a big fight with my boyfriend that has been coming since I have been neglecting him but my mom played couple counselor and we are ok again. I should see him in a little over a week when he comes back from school. I am really worried for myself because it seems like my next semester isn't as set in stone as I thought. Now I have to go back to the world of college administrators and counselors that don't really care.

I'm working on other projects too, which makes it difficult to write but its still something that I know I should do.