pain a lot of pain

I crying intensely right now. I need to release this. I hate myself so much right now.

Today my sister had a barbecue for her friends at my house. My house is small so I have to run into them, especially if I want to eat. my sister moved things around to "clean up" and she has no respect for me and my stuff so everything is jumbled everywhere. i was feeling good so I thought it wouldn't be so bad. plus one of her friends that was gunna be there is 25, cute, tall, just my type and studying to be a doctor who also asked to meet me a while ago when I wasn't with my boyfriend (my sister didnt tell me anything, bitch). Its not bad to meet him so it was all good. I got ready and everyone got there but here is the bummer, I couldn't find my make up on top of alot of things. I spend an hour looking but nothing. My sister said just go and eat with us, it doesnt matter. I finally got up the courage to go without makeup. (I wear very natural makeup but it makes a big difference to me, no darkcircles under eyes, no pimples, etc)

I was nervous and I drank a couple beers.  I felt better plus it was dark and we were outside eating. The doctor-friend kept checking me out and everything. (I love my boyfriend but its not bad to know your options) I thought that I should feel more comfortable in my house so I invited a couple friends to come over and hang out too. It was perfect. Then one of my friends got there and it was great. I was a little tipsy so I spilled some food on myself but it was cool. My sister suggested I go to a bar with her friends and my friends and got my friends excited (how would I look if i said no, my friends arent going to go with you) So we made plans to go.

My friend is very honest which I like except for this situation. He was sitting between me and the doctor-friend and he said to me, "you look tired, you should go take a nap". I knew he meant it funny and I blew it off but it made me feel self-conscious. My other friend wasnt there yet when I went inside to try to find my make up. I couldnt find it anywhere and I got sooooooo frustrated. My mom didnt help, she just said she didnt know and kept playing on the comp. I went to the bathroom where I thought my sister was and knocked. She opened the door and I yelled at her frustratedly "I can't find my make up and if I cant find it, I wont go!". She then opened the door wider and I saw that a girl was in the bathroom with her doing their make up. I was mortifed! Plus she has a big mouth and is the sister of a bigger big mouth. Plus shes the kind of girl that is threatened by other girls that are pretty so when I first saw her today without makeup she gave me the look over with an attitude which didn't help make me feel better.

I freaked out after that and I hid in my room. I was afraid that if I went, with or without makeup, that girl would run her mouth. My mom talked me down and said that I could use her make up. My sister and mom use heavier makeup than I do so I couldnt use it at all. Plus we have different complexions. I told my guy friend to go with the others to the bar and I would catch up with them to wait for my other friend who hadn't arrived yet. I then found out that my other friend called him and she was close by. My alibi was dead. I told them to go because I had to do something. They left and I couldnt find my make up at all so I gave up and didnt go and cried very hard and loud.

I told them that I was fighting with my mom and I couldnt go. I felt bad because its all my fault. I could blame my sister for moving my stuff but I should have been more organized. Now my two friends are out having fun at a bar with my sister and her friends. Now that I think of it, my friend that came late is pretty (prettier than me, I think) and now I left her with the doctor-friend ...... I'm more sad.

Horrible horrible day. I could go now, I think my mom found some make up that would work but its 11pm and I would go alone to the bar to meet them and who know how much longer they will be there.....

I might go....I still feel bad