So exhausted. I'm on a down slope right now. I have been immersed in my project but so many things are dragging me down. I took this semester off for a mental break but its all working against me now. The school might now take me in the Fall and now (because I'm not in school this semester and the loan people said it was ok) my loans are being recalled and I have no money to pay for it the payments.
My boyfriend and I had a big fight a year ago a broke-up for 9 months. Now we are back together but I am different. I was more clingy with less friends and activities but after the break-up I had to get out and live my life. He's constantly getting upset because I don't pay enough attention to him. I don't know. In the end, he's the most important person to me but I can't live my live around only him.
I find myself talking to guy "friends" still in a flirty fashion. I am flirty by nature but when I'm single its more. I guess those nine months took me out of my shell so much. I became friends with this guy that I had a crush on all of high school before I met my boyfriend. He's so my type physically but a little too intellectual for my taste. He is one of those, "why are those people acting so DAFT?" kinda people. Yet when he acts weird, its cool. I still talk to him and a few other guys but I don't know what to make of it. I know its ok to remain friends with my guy friends (I had guy friends always) but it seems more flirty since I got back together with my boyfriend.
I haven't seen my dad since Mother's day (was longer before that) and that was horrible. He prodded me about some stuff that really hit home while we ate dinner. I had to leave early because I was on the verge of crying.
I'm just feeling drained. Being pulled in different directions by everybody.
When I watch movies or see the people around me with a spark, a passion of life....I wish I had that. My only consistency is my being inconsistent. I take up one thing and work on it obsessively until I get dragged down by one thing or another. I have creative tendencies but I am neither trained nor have the self-discipline to teach myself. My mother and sister are very artistic although they both have more scientific careers because it is their passion. I feel lost and I don't know how to get found of find myself.
I need help somewhere.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
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Are you sure you don't live in my head? I swear you do.
ReplyDeleteI don't have that whole male friends issue, but the rest is me. I haven't seen my dad since Mother's day either, but he didn't make me want to cry. It's hard for a stranger to make me cry and that's pretty much what he feels like to me.
I too am drained, but it's by my own doing and by my total lack of doing anything productive. I start things (or talk about starting things) and then quickly grow tired of it for whatever reason. I feel like there are lots of people telling me what to do with my life and that just makes me do even less. I want to do things for myself, not bc other people tell me it's the right things to do. Or maybe that's just my excuse for not growing up. I'm a 25 year old child, married, with two children.
And your whole last paragraph is absolutely me except my mom isn't creative, just my sister. :(
My husband told me yesterday that A Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz is me. Sadly, it is. I'm consistent at being contradictory.
Maybe one day I'll stop being afraid of finding myself...but what I think I'm most scared of is to realize I'm already found and this is just who I am. :(