pain a lot of pain

I crying intensely right now. I need to release this. I hate myself so much right now.

Today my sister had a barbecue for her friends at my house. My house is small so I have to run into them, especially if I want to eat. my sister moved things around to "clean up" and she has no respect for me and my stuff so everything is jumbled everywhere. i was feeling good so I thought it wouldn't be so bad. plus one of her friends that was gunna be there is 25, cute, tall, just my type and studying to be a doctor who also asked to meet me a while ago when I wasn't with my boyfriend (my sister didnt tell me anything, bitch). Its not bad to meet him so it was all good. I got ready and everyone got there but here is the bummer, I couldn't find my make up on top of alot of things. I spend an hour looking but nothing. My sister said just go and eat with us, it doesnt matter. I finally got up the courage to go without makeup. (I wear very natural makeup but it makes a big difference to me, no darkcircles under eyes, no pimples, etc)

I was nervous and I drank a couple beers.  I felt better plus it was dark and we were outside eating. The doctor-friend kept checking me out and everything. (I love my boyfriend but its not bad to know your options) I thought that I should feel more comfortable in my house so I invited a couple friends to come over and hang out too. It was perfect. Then one of my friends got there and it was great. I was a little tipsy so I spilled some food on myself but it was cool. My sister suggested I go to a bar with her friends and my friends and got my friends excited (how would I look if i said no, my friends arent going to go with you) So we made plans to go.

My friend is very honest which I like except for this situation. He was sitting between me and the doctor-friend and he said to me, "you look tired, you should go take a nap". I knew he meant it funny and I blew it off but it made me feel self-conscious. My other friend wasnt there yet when I went inside to try to find my make up. I couldnt find it anywhere and I got sooooooo frustrated. My mom didnt help, she just said she didnt know and kept playing on the comp. I went to the bathroom where I thought my sister was and knocked. She opened the door and I yelled at her frustratedly "I can't find my make up and if I cant find it, I wont go!". She then opened the door wider and I saw that a girl was in the bathroom with her doing their make up. I was mortifed! Plus she has a big mouth and is the sister of a bigger big mouth. Plus shes the kind of girl that is threatened by other girls that are pretty so when I first saw her today without makeup she gave me the look over with an attitude which didn't help make me feel better.

I freaked out after that and I hid in my room. I was afraid that if I went, with or without makeup, that girl would run her mouth. My mom talked me down and said that I could use her make up. My sister and mom use heavier makeup than I do so I couldnt use it at all. Plus we have different complexions. I told my guy friend to go with the others to the bar and I would catch up with them to wait for my other friend who hadn't arrived yet. I then found out that my other friend called him and she was close by. My alibi was dead. I told them to go because I had to do something. They left and I couldnt find my make up at all so I gave up and didnt go and cried very hard and loud.

I told them that I was fighting with my mom and I couldnt go. I felt bad because its all my fault. I could blame my sister for moving my stuff but I should have been more organized. Now my two friends are out having fun at a bar with my sister and her friends. Now that I think of it, my friend that came late is pretty (prettier than me, I think) and now I left her with the doctor-friend ...... I'm more sad.

Horrible horrible day. I could go now, I think my mom found some make up that would work but its 11pm and I would go alone to the bar to meet them and who know how much longer they will be there.....

I might go....I still feel bad

Exhausted and waiting for absolution

So exhausted. I'm on a down slope right now. I have been immersed in my project but so many things are dragging me down. I took this semester off for a mental break but its all working against me now. The school might now take me in the Fall and now (because I'm not in school this semester and the loan people said it was ok) my loans are being recalled and I have no money to pay for it the payments.

My boyfriend and I had a big fight a year ago a broke-up for 9 months. Now we are back together but I am different. I was more clingy with less friends and activities but after the break-up I had to get out and live my life. He's constantly getting upset because I don't pay enough attention to him. I don't know. In the end, he's the most important person to me but I can't live my live around only him.

I find myself talking to guy "friends" still in a flirty fashion. I am flirty by nature but when I'm single its more. I guess those nine months took me out of my shell so much. I became friends with this guy that I had a crush on all of high school before I met my boyfriend. He's so my type physically but a little too intellectual for my taste. He is one of those, "why are those people acting so DAFT?" kinda people. Yet when he acts weird, its cool. I still talk to him and a few other guys but I don't know what to make of it. I know its ok to remain friends with my guy friends (I had guy friends always) but it seems more flirty since I got back together with my boyfriend.

I haven't seen my dad since Mother's day (was longer before that) and that was horrible. He prodded me about some stuff that really hit home while we ate dinner. I had to leave early because I was on the verge of crying.

I'm just feeling drained. Being pulled in different directions by everybody.

When I watch movies or see the people around me with a spark, a passion of life....I wish I had that. My only consistency is my being inconsistent. I take up one thing and work on it obsessively until I get dragged down by one thing or another. I have creative tendencies but I am neither trained nor have the self-discipline to teach myself. My mother and sister are very artistic although they both have more scientific careers because it is their passion. I feel lost and I don't know how to get found of find myself.

I need help somewhere.

Just tired all around

Oh God! I have immersed myself so deep into this project that I didn't manage time to write in 2 days!...3 days now.

I have been trying to write every night but I have either been working, with my mom or sleeping. Sometimes I just don't feel like thinking about my feelings so I just avoid it. I've had to take care of some things for the next school year.

I've let me obsessiveness take me over with perfecting little details on my project, trying to make it beat its competitors and I am well on my way.

There are ups and downs but I've found myself bouncing back  faster. My doctor thinks I may have a thyroid problem which is causing my constant fatigue and depression so next week I will begin taking supplements that are supposed to correct my "chemical imbalances".

I had a big fight with my boyfriend that has been coming since I have been neglecting him but my mom played couple counselor and we are ok again. I should see him in a little over a week when he comes back from school. I am really worried for myself because it seems like my next semester isn't as set in stone as I thought. Now I have to go back to the world of college administrators and counselors that don't really care.

I'm working on other projects too, which makes it difficult to write but its still something that I know I should do.

Coming along

Today was a better day but worse in other ways....but its better in more important ways.

I just  have one thing to say today:

I love my boyfriend despite his flaws and despite mine. It's scary but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Gripping normalsy with my fingernails

My eyes feel more open than usual today but things are different than they were yesterday. I spoke to my boyfriend and again he got upset because I was "neglecting" him because of my work. I KNOW that I would be upset too if he did something like that to me all the time but I can't help it, I feel better because of it.

I also told my mom about what I am working on today. I refrained from telling her because she has a knack for criticizing very "sweetly" and just wrecks my enthusiasm for working. I don't blame her or anyone else for my faults but I know that they have a hand in it (unintentionally of course). I think I got her to agree that this project is good for me and can bring about some kind of benefit in the long-run but I can't be sure. I second-guess myself too much, I think too much, I worry too much. I don't like to think of myself as a scared person but perhaps I am.

I haven't spoken to my father in about a month and my mom always comments that he seems sad, as if not speaking to me is the culprit. Maybe it is. I know he is a good man but so much has happened and there is so much resentment on both sides that it's hard to bypass it. My sister is only calls when my mother complains about how little I do around the house or when we fight over who picks up the food deliveries.

ugghh train of thought.....

My sister is the hero and I am the one that drags everyone else down.

Let's see if my mom can manage not to ruin how I feel about my project. Cross your fingers

....ugghh she's starting another fight again.

Blah and tired

I wanted to write before midnight but I might be cutting it too close. I've been so engrossed in my project and it seems to have paid off but its only the second day. I was supposed to go and visit family today but I canceled last minute like I always do. I don't feel like being judged for everything I do and not being able to breathe.

I'm just real tired. Tomorrow will be better.

To strip or not to strip?

My mind is running a mile a minute. I have started a new project yesterday and have not been able to stop for more than 30 minutes every few hours. I didn't sleep until 2 AM and woke up at 10AM to find myself back into the loop of it again. I was a little down because it wasn't picking up speed (which is ridiculous since it has been about 24 hours since I started) but then I got a nice surprise that makes me think that I will be able to make this new project work!

This blog is just for me, as it should be, but I keep checking things as if it is meant for others....I need to stop. it doesn't matter who or how many people see this but I can't shake the need to check everything 20 times.

Maybe I should strip.....strip of all the pretty and promise of this site so its just me and my words. I suppose even less people show up but you never know. I don't think I will strip today but I suppose I will soon. Especially if I keep obsessing as I do. I get lost in my projects that people outside of it are usually neglected.

Neglected....that's the word that my boyfriend used to describe himself in our relationship. At this moment, I have him on the phone which is strategically placed on my shoulder so I can hear and talk to him whilst I type. I usually can't work with others because if things are not just the way I want them, I lose interest.

My mom has interrupted my train of thought and now I am listening to John Mayer - Your body is a wonderland on Last.fm which is just making me feel nostalgic about the beginning of my relationship. I do feel better though, not all zany crazily obsessed of my new project. I do want to check things but I think I'll take a break and watch a movie or something. I need to eat...is obsession all that bad?

I leave you with this list
http://www.psychpage.com/learning/library/assess/feelings.html

and this book that I really want to read just because of the title.....mmmm Gavin DeGraw - I don't want to be....gotta love it.

Utter Honesty

My last feeble attempt to write a journal ended sadly left on the floor and I have decided to type it up and post it because I wrote it when I was really down and I needed to purge on paper. I am typing just like I wrote it...here it is:

2/28/10 12am

Dear,

     My mind feels like a cluttered room, which is an accurate description of my actual room. I have not truely journaled in about 7 years. This explains my poor handwriting. Nevertheless, despite how tired my hand will get and how straining to my eyes it will be when I read over this book, it's worth it.

     There is so much I have learned and want to remember and share with the world (or at least my loved ones). I feel a void, deep inside. I can;t be sure how long its been there but it has been quite noticeable since I broke up with [boyfriend's name]. 

     There are people in the world that just seem to know how to get along with others and with themselves internally. I know that their seamless ease doesn't come with some sort of trade off but it still must be nice. Now, I know I'm not a total social termite even though I may feel that way at times.

     There are people blessed with looks, money, status, social sense and general luck. That's all face value though. No matter what variation in those factors someone might have, a life full of love is the best anyone can strive for.

     I wish I could wake up tomorrow with enough love for myself that I work out, shower, brush my teeth,  do my laundry, and enjoy the company of my family without a fight.

     I speak a lot and I wish I could follow my own sayings. how do I grow self-love?

At the time I wrote that, I had already broken up with my boyfriend for over 6 months and we just recently got back together. One of these days I might take a picture of the pages and post them. I think this is the most honest I have ever been with myself. I hope to keep up that trend via this blog. After I wrote that, I also wrote on a post-it this:

Dear [boyfriend's name] ,

      I know I miss you but I 'm not sure its for the right reasons. Even though I loved being in your arms, I feel like there maybe something more...

Yup, I ended it with an ellipses...I always write like that. I think I am going to keep that little book and write in it when I don't have access to my computer.

When it comes to my boyfriend with whom I can imagine a great life with, I guess I can always refer to the 80/20 rule. If you don't know what it is you could always watch a movie that I personally love to find out:

A lesson in values and the vicious cycle that ruins my life

Had a big fight with the boyfriend last night and most of the day. Its still not over yet. Can you guess what about?

Yes...its the fact that I am always too self-involved to appreciate all the wonderful things he does for me. I always had this paranoia that since we fell in love so young and we have been very dependent on each other, that all this will fade away as we get older. I guess that's part of the territory. You just have to "leap and hope to God you can fly".

I have very shoddy memory and if I unveil an epiphany one day, it is most likely that I will see some shiny device in the distance that I inadvertently bury it as I rush away. It has always been ONE of my problems.

I was thinking about virtue and values. It might seem believable when I say that I actually have very strong values. Its a vicious cycle because I put so much pressure on myself to be the "best" person I can be but it is never enough for me....I am not happy with myself....

Its all or nothing for me so if I can't be perfect, I will be selfish and do what makes me happy at the moment. It hasn't gotten me far.

I know I'm spoiled but how do I fix that?

....still obsessing

Don't worry....my posts will not be so frequent. I am just thinking about this so much because it is the beginning and I think "too much" so obviously I want to write it down.

As you may have noticed, I have a lot of ads up on the blog....this is a force of habit. I am a recovering Internet Marketer and Promoter. ( I Capitalize because they are titles ) Whenever I start something that I purely enjoy doing, I muck it up by asking the question "How can I make money off of it?"

That is when Google Ads and affiliate links find their way into my creative and peaceful projects. I am someone who always has multiple and creative projects that I never finish. Very easily distracted.....like now, I am video skyping with my too-good-to-be-true boyfriend of more years than you would expect. I lost my train on thought.

...

...

Oh yeah, so since I have bills piling up and have this annoying social anxiety/depression/laziness to get my butt off the couch I find it hard to fight off the urge to try to make some kind of income online. I was an internet marketer when I was younger because my parents didn't want me to work  but I found a way and was getting pretty good at it. I had a mentor with whom I still talk to and he says that I should come back to it but its an awful load to take on....first the investment money, then the energy and time required to set it up, its exhausting.

As you can see, I tend to get very easily obsessed with things but I have some resentment about internet marketing because it took so much from me and right when I was getting so good, I had to quit. I regret that very much. I might have a stable passive income still coming in. I get about $20 every 3 months from a company still.

I need to learn how to stick to things....I need to be disciplined but I just don't know how.

Why can't I wait?

This usually happens when I start a new project. I can't wait for it to progress with time. I feel I have to push it along and I would do this so much that I get exhausted and just quit all together. Like I said before, I have started this blog a million times in a million ways but nothing. This should be easier than what I used to do.

I kept a journal for most of my prepubescent life and it really helped me get through a lot but I can't seem to get that onto a blog. I guess its because I know that people will have access to it. I get paranoid that maybe my boyfriend or friends or family will find this and think "this seems so familiar, I think I know who this is". I am just dreading the day that I get a phone call from a random friend who says "are the the nut job that writes this blog?" My lying can't stink more so they will just assume no matter how much I deny it.

I want to be real honest for as long as possible. I don't know why I feel the need to blog intimately about my life. Maybe because I want peoples' acceptance or I want to know that I am not the only one out there like this. I used to be able to write about whatever was bothering me or whatever I was thinking and I would walk away with such satisfaction and let it go. Now I just bottle things up and never let them go.

My mom has just called me a variant of "spoiled" but in a different language because I have not spoken to my father in almost 2 weeks and he wants me to call him when "I get home from work"....Yes, I know its wrong to lie to my dad about my employment, especially since he supports me financially....when he is able to. I just don't need someone else on my back 24/7 about my future.

I didn't realize I had this much to write but I guess when you're honest, you always have something to say.

It's Me

Talk about another whiny blog about someone's life that no one really cares about...except for me so here it is.

I like shrimp more than fish
I like horses more than fish
I like movies more than fish
I like sexy almost as much as sex
I like people who like me...most of the time.

I am 20
I have a vagina
I have started this blog more times than I have toes
I am probably the most stressed out person I know
You will be witness to many things but I can almost assure my sanity so its cool

hmmm...

I am not currently in school or have a job but not to worry, those will be subjects I will talk about a lot. I have a probably-don't-deserve-him-but-he-seems-to-love-me boyfriend, we all love those ;)

I am one of those, never really suffered but find suffering in my own mind and life and want people to pity me and help me kind of person. I have barely stepped out of my place for the past 3 months since mom doesn't let me starve and I am so focused on my depression that I can't find my way to the front door.

This is probably the most honest I have ever been to anyone outside my little sphere so enjoy....and if you don't....fuck off and don't come back.