Utter Honesty

My last feeble attempt to write a journal ended sadly left on the floor and I have decided to type it up and post it because I wrote it when I was really down and I needed to purge on paper. I am typing just like I wrote it...here it is:

2/28/10 12am

Dear,

     My mind feels like a cluttered room, which is an accurate description of my actual room. I have not truely journaled in about 7 years. This explains my poor handwriting. Nevertheless, despite how tired my hand will get and how straining to my eyes it will be when I read over this book, it's worth it.

     There is so much I have learned and want to remember and share with the world (or at least my loved ones). I feel a void, deep inside. I can;t be sure how long its been there but it has been quite noticeable since I broke up with [boyfriend's name]. 

     There are people in the world that just seem to know how to get along with others and with themselves internally. I know that their seamless ease doesn't come with some sort of trade off but it still must be nice. Now, I know I'm not a total social termite even though I may feel that way at times.

     There are people blessed with looks, money, status, social sense and general luck. That's all face value though. No matter what variation in those factors someone might have, a life full of love is the best anyone can strive for.

     I wish I could wake up tomorrow with enough love for myself that I work out, shower, brush my teeth,  do my laundry, and enjoy the company of my family without a fight.

     I speak a lot and I wish I could follow my own sayings. how do I grow self-love?

At the time I wrote that, I had already broken up with my boyfriend for over 6 months and we just recently got back together. One of these days I might take a picture of the pages and post them. I think this is the most honest I have ever been with myself. I hope to keep up that trend via this blog. After I wrote that, I also wrote on a post-it this:

Dear [boyfriend's name] ,

      I know I miss you but I 'm not sure its for the right reasons. Even though I loved being in your arms, I feel like there maybe something more...

Yup, I ended it with an ellipses...I always write like that. I think I am going to keep that little book and write in it when I don't have access to my computer.

When it comes to my boyfriend with whom I can imagine a great life with, I guess I can always refer to the 80/20 rule. If you don't know what it is you could always watch a movie that I personally love to find out: